“Thank your for being my therapist”.  R.S.*  I just hung up the phone with (R.S.), a divorcing woman married for more than 25 years.  She is facing her first move alone and has decided since her children are grown to leave San Diego and pursue a graduate degree.
For her and other clients facing divorce, the move is one of many scary transitions coming at you at one time.   We were organizing the logistics of her move and she broke down when she started talking about which belongings she was going to keep from her adult childrens' childhood.

As she choked back the tears I reassured her that it was okay for her to feel sad and reminded her everything she was experiencing was normal.  I could say this with empathy and certainty because I too had gone through my own divorce and remembered feeling the same way.

It was at my own divorce attorney consultation I was told a judge could force me to sell my home while going through divorce.  
 
“Not everybody understands the emotions and the ups and downs.  I am blessed to have you understand.”  R.S.*

Unless you’ve experienced divorce yourself, you really can’t grasp the pervasive affect it has on your entire life (read a past blog for more on the subject). 

A couple weeks ago, I received a call at 10 p.m. at night for a panicked divorcing client.  Her home was in escrow and we needed to coordinate the logistics of her move.  The conversation naturally turned to her loneliness since her children were with their father for the weekend and she hadn’t quite found her place when she wasn’t “being a mom”. 

This clients move was more challenging because of her autistic daughter needing consistency and routine.  We took pictures of her room to recreate a room where she could feel comfortable.

This couple was referred by their mediator, Alison Patton of Lemonade Divorce and CDFA, Carlie Head (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) who’d both been trying to get the wife to agree to sell the home and move.  As is often the case, one party wants to keep the home and provide a stable place for the children as they come to grips with all the changes a divorce brings on the family. Sadly though the reality of splitting the family income and maintaining two homes usually isn't realistic.  She reluctantly agreed to meet with us and after hearing about our program decided to trust us and move forward with the sale.   

Last week, while she is at work, the Silver Linings Transitions team got her settled into her new home.  The pictures above represent the move and the expression on her face (as well as her children).  We could not take the pain of the divorce away but we were able to work as a team to make the process just a bit easier.

More about Divorce Home Solutions.  Jami Shapiro, owner of Silver Linings Transitions, a move management company joined Bryan Devore my Realtor Partner of Pacific Sotheby’s International Realty and I were introduced by a mutual friend a few months after both of us were separated. 

His real estate business combined with Silver Linings Transitions, my move management company were a natural “marriage” ;)  and together we started Divorce Home Solutions.
There are a ton of great Realtors in San Diego but none offer our combination of unique and emotionally supportive services while helping divorcing couples manage the logistics of dividing belongings, selling their home and moving, allowing them to ultimately open the door to their fresh start, a space of calm where they can begin healing.

Three years ago today, I separated from my husband of 15 years.   If I described it as the worst three years of my life, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration.


First, my own feelings of abandonment and rejection were “triggered” (using teen lingo but appropriate none-the-less).  As a three year old, I was sent to live with my father and subsequently “poorly treated” by his wife.  There were also all the other “divorce dominoes” (a phrase I’ve coined because it seems like just about every area of your life is affected and knocked over).


The “divorce domino” included navigating legalities that would affect the rest of my life of which I was completely uneducated;  figuring out how I was going to earn enough money to support myself after leaving my career for my ex-husband’s career across country;  working out custody schedules and parenting alone; and the accompanying emotions of grief, disappointment and embarrassment.  There were things I hadn’t even considered.  Suddenly, I felt like I was back in my 20s when everyone was getting engaged and married and had a ring on their finger which translated, for me, to mean “I’m wanted”.  Walking into a parent meeting or into synagogue, or anywhere else bare fingered was like having a sign flashing “failure”, “failure” “failure” or worse “unwanted”.


Being alone was a completely different alone then it had been before I was married.  After almost 17 years with one person, there was no one in my bed, no one to make important life decisions with, no one to call when something good or bad happened, and empty rooms (but a clean house) when my children were with their father.  Even my friendships were affected because I was living in a world that my close friends could not relate to.  I had to climb ladders at 3 a.m. to change smoke detector batteries and I had to take out my own trash.


Perhaps even harder than that, I went back into the dating world as a woman in her 40s who’d nursed three children and had not had a boob job.  (I’m going to save the dating article for another time because I could literally write a book about that!!
 
Of all though, fear and envy were the hardest part.  Suddenly, it felt as if I was in a vast ocean and paddling desperately to stay afloat.  I clung to men as if they were life vests.  While I worked in commissioned sales almost my entire marriage, my husband’s steady income was the safety net to which I could fall.  It was that steady income that gave me the courage to start my own business. 


It seems as if everything I was juggling was exacerbated by my desperation to have a “partner” partly for companionship, partly for the escape from reality, partly for financial security and if I’m being honest because my ex-husband had someone.


The absolute worst thing I had to confront was my own envy.  While I faced the ups and downs of dating, never being with any one person for more than four months, falling for men who were emotionally unavailable, and pretty much only dating guys who’s schedules seemed to be exactly opposite mine, my ex-husband and his girlfriend (for more than two years) had every other weekend without kids and traveled the world vacationing together.  I didn’t have a partner and I couldn’t afford to even take the the trips. 


There was no hiding my depression from my children. I remember coming home on a weekend without kids, thinking the house was empty, falling onto my bed and sobbing.  The hard, body shaking, wailing sob.  It was such a hard cry that it wasn’t even possible to do the “in front of the mirror and watch my eyes turn green” cry.  And then my then 15-year-old daughter walked in.


When I was four, I remember watching my mom cry and to this day, it has stuck with me as one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. 


Because I was simultaneously building a new business and adjusting to this huge transition I went looking for help anywhere I could get it.   You know what happens when you realize your children are watching?  You take very small steps forward.


As I did, people, things and experiences began showing up on my path.  It may have been a book someone told me about, it might have been a course that came up while reading the book or it might have been something said by one of my yoga instructors.


As things began to “work out”, I began to learn to just trust.  One book that really helped was “Uncertainty” written for entrepreneurs. In the book they talked about the concept of going to zero.  Imagine just about the worst case scenario and give yourself a “Plan B” for how you’d survive.  They shared the story and this quote by J.K. Rowling, the famous author and creator of Harry Potter.  


“I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized and I still had a daughter that I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”


I came up with my “Plan B” which meant moving into my mother-out-law’s spare bedroom, getting a job at Starbucks and letting the girls stay with their father.  I went from holding onto everything so tightly out of fear to slowly, slowly releasing my grip.  Sometimes, it was an easy decision like when things synchronistically happened and sometimes I just made the choice to try it anyway.  Quite frankly, I was sick of trying to control everything.


Life did not work out the way I expected it to.  If I had gotten my way either my ex would have come back pleading with me to work things out OR I would have continued dating my first post-separation boyfriend.


If either of those things had happened, I wouldn’t be where I am now which quite frankly is the happiest I’ve ever been.  There is more than I can possibly share in this blog now but highlights include 1000+ yoga classes and doing poses I never dreamed of doing at 48, getting fish pedicures with my daughter in Mexico, zip lining and rock climbing (I have a huge fear of fish and heights) and talking about my sex life in front of 50 people at an open mic night.

Best though I learned who I am and why I am.  I learned to accept myself exactly as I am and work on the things I need to change without beating myself up.  I learned how important gratitude is.  I learned to quiet the voice in my head that said anything that wasn’t kind.


“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.


No matter what is happening in your life, it is going to change.  The only good choice available is to embrace what is and figure out how to find the “silver lining”.

​Unless you've been seriously burned by an ex-spouse or a past love, if you are divorced, it is very likely that you've dipped your toe into the "dating pool".  Tread lightly my friend, the water is POLLUTED!!! 
In all seriousness, when I was single the first go round, life was A LOT simpler.  As a single parent there is a whole new set of criteria and limitations. Now, I need to consider someone's custody schedule before I even establish whether or not there's chemistry.  Since my  last time being single was in 1997, it feels like the dating world is a completely different planet. 
I would consider myself fortunate because I split custody 50/50 and two of my children are old enough to babysit.  For those who aren't as lucky, there are also costs associated with babysitting.  
Now imagine I've gone through the time it takes to meet someone online, engaged in conversation, gotten my hopes up and primped and traveled for the date only to discover I've been "kitten fished".  (Kitten fishing is when someone falsifies their profile - either their age, height, job status, etc.)
Between parenting, working and maintaining a household, I don't have the luxury of extra time or the bandwidth to handle the emotional roller coaster and neither do my single parent friends.  
So I had a thought....
Why does all the time and effort spent getting to know someone need to go waste? Why not share the guys who've represented themselves honestly with my friends and spare them the agony of the "kitten fish" time suck?  Kind of like vetting dates.
So I’m in the process of creating "Swap Meet”, an online tool to "exchange" dates.  How I envision it working is that  we decide the person isn’t for us but they appear to have honest profiles and seem to be nice enough to introduce to a friend.  When (and if) they ask for a second date, if you aren’t interested you offer to add them to the Swap Meet group.  The only criteria for membership would be that someone already on the page has met you in person and takes a picture with you from the date.  
The post can include some important information like age, height, body type, etc. and a completely positive note about the date.  (Think who’d you’d be willing to set up with your best friend.) 

I believe it was McDonald you said you could turn a frown upside down.  Now you can turn an awkward date into someone else’s mate (ok cheesy for sure but I can only come up with a good idea once a day ;).  Regardless of the weak ending, if anyone can be spared the “kitten fish”, the project will be worth it.  
About me, Jami Shapiro -

Together with Bryan Devore, a fellow single parent, we’ve used our divorce to make lemonade out of lemons by making the divorce journey a bit easier for others going through it.  "Swap Meet" will be one of these projects.  Other projects include a free support group, a dedicated Facebook Live show, Real Divorce Talk, addressing divorce and Divorce Home Solutions - solving all of the home related concerns from making the important financial decisions to sleeping comfortably in a new unpacked, organized and decorated and peaceful space  allowing divorcing clients to take many of the significant stressors off their plates.




...

I was talking to a recently divorced friend today who was divorced longer than I have been but separated a much shorter time.  Our conversation quickly turned to my suggestion that he might be on the roller coaster that pretty much every one of my divorced friends knows all too well.  In fact, to this day, I think the ride is finished and then, there's this little jolt.

I separated 2 1/2 years ago tomorrow on February 6, 2015. This is actually the first blog I've written since my official divorce on 7/7/17.  There was a LOT of significance to this because my ex and I had a "number" the way other couples have songs.  We had our first date on a 6, got engaged on a 6, married on a 6, a couple more things happened on 6's, separated on a 6 and then ultimately signed the Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) on 6/6/17.  To say I was shocked when I read the mediator's email officially declaring us divorced as of 7/7/17, would be an understatement.  Anyone who has gone through this process knows it typically takes a MUCH longer time.  Even our mediator confessed she'd never had one go through that quickly and mentioned we must have some high up connections.  (These days, I don't doubt it ;). )

What I can say now that I am safely off the ride and standing on the platform is, I had many more moments of doubt than I can comfortably admit.  Even more than that, I NEVER dreamed I would end up thinking it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I remember going to Second Saturday, on February 14, 2015 and sitting in the room with the other women contemplating or already going through the divorce process.  Second Saturday is an amazing organization that educates women on the divorce process.  They have mediators, attorneys, financial planners and therapists who give attendees advice about what they are in for.  Every time I sit in that room as a "vendor", I am taken back to that day and how I felt.    I see women cry and nod their heads as the therapists describe how they might be feeling.  When given the opportunity, I love sharing that I was where they are and felt like they feel. It's kind of like when you have a new baby. When you are in it, you can't imagine it ever getting better.  But then, suddenly, the baby is sleeping through the night and you feel like a "normal person".  

Normal is a "new" normal though.  It's a life-changing normal. It's an "I can't believe this is me, I never thought I could be this happy" or "I like myself this much" normal.

It is not though, an "easy" normal..  Here's a confession...I wanted to skip this time.  I wanted to go from my husband into a relationship so that I wouldn't have to go through feeling so uncomfortable, lonely, scared and uncertain.  If things had gone the way I'd wanted them to, I would never have gotten HERE.  What I discovered, reluctantly, is that you can't go around, over or under this pain.  You have to go THROUGH it.

If I hadn't gone through it, I would never have discovered my need to control EVERYTHING because of my insecurities and need to feel like I actually had some control.  For the first time in my life, I can truly say I have "let go" of trying to know the answers and have embraced uncertainty.  My mantra has become "All will be well" because I have seen so many situations not work out the way they were supposed to, turn out event better. There is so much freedom in the absence of worry. (I should probably mention I'm Jewish and neurosis is part of my DNA.)  

I recently,  (2 days ago) had my computer stolen.  The old me would have been freaking out.  The new me sat calmly and looked for the lesson.  When I was single "the first time' and in the first two years of separation, I accepted things in relationships I would never accept now.  Now, I view each disappointment as a lesson.  One of my yoga instructors shared something that I think is so powerful. Whether you are in a good moment or a bad moment, it's going to pass.  The best option is to live in the present.  I've also found through yoga that what I resist, persists.  If a pose is uncomfortable, the best way to get through it, is to breathe and be in it.  

I recently reread the book "You Are a Badass" by Jen Sincero. She described a bird flying into a window continuously trying to get out.   Serendipitously and concurrently, I experienced both in real life and metaphorically the same thing.  A bird trapped in her home, keeps flying into the window trying to escape.  Rather than calm down, stop and assess the situation, seeing that she has opened a window in her home, the bird continues throwing itself into the glass. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing and expecting different results.  

What I realized is that I WAS that bird.  I held onto hopes rather than accepting the reality and looking for the window.

August 6, 2017

The night I wrote this blog, while driving my daughter to her father's, she started to talk about something she was going to do with her father and his girlfriend.  Then she paused.  I understood her reluctancy because she was afraid of hurting my feelings. I told her she shouldn't feel bad about liking her father's girlfriend and that the girlfriend had nothing to do with our divorce.  The next morning, I was on my yoga mat where I always seem to have epiphanies.  I realized I had still not entirely accepted the reality of my divorce and my ex's now long term relationship with his girlfriend.   I knew what I had to do.  My chest started beating so hard that I couldn't even remain in my favorite pose, Svasana.  I immediately left the room and texted my ex that it was time for me to meet her.   Less than five minutes later,   a bird flew into my garage and continued to fly against the glass window.   (That had never happened.)

So now, I am divorced. My ex is in a happy relationship.  My kids are taking trips and spending holidays with their new "blended family" and I am learning to be happy regardless of what is or isn't in my life.  I'm happy with me.  I can honestly say it's the first time in my life, I'm not chasing anything. I'm just munching on popcorn and a waiting for the next scene.

The divorce rate for people age 50+ is skyrocketing. While the divorce rate for people age 25-39 is going and the rate for people age 40-49 is increasing slightly, the divorce rate for people aged 50+ has increased 109% since 1990!

What are the reasons for this?  Experts in the Spring 2016 issue of Family Law Quarterly posited that the rise in divorce can be attributed to (in this order):

• The increase in the number of women who work and have earned their own retirement assets and income
• Lack of financial security and debt
• Empty-nest syndrome
• Dating websites
• Marital dysfunction

“People are living longer, and there’s a longer life expectation,” explained Laurel Starks, a team leader specializing in divorce and author of Divorcing the House. The increase in life expectancy can make someone stuck in an unsatisfying or less-than-fulfilling marriage less willing to tough it out at age 60 than they might have been a few decades ago.
“Women are working, and women are independent, and women are standing up for a better quality of life,” she added.
And women also initiate most divorces. A 2015 study from the American Sociological Association found that 69 percent of divorces were initiated by women.

Whether you are a man or a woman, age 25 or 65, divorcing is a difficult decision to make.  If you are contemplating divorce, we can provide you with the resources you need during this difficult time.  Visit our Divorce Resources page to find the professionals who can help, and do not hesitate to call if you have any questions we can answer for you.

When I got married almost 18 years ago, the thought of divorcing never entered my mind. Those of us who've gone through it jokingly say "it's not like you think the day of your wedding, when I get divorced..."   In fact, my ex and I had both come from divorce and made a pact that we would do whatever it took to stay together.  I guess you can tell where that story ended.  Fifteen and one quarter years after the day of our wedding, my ex moved out.

I would be lying if I said it wasn't a long time coming but I can honestly say I thought the separation would give us both some breathing room, allow all of us (especially our three girls) to have a peaceful home and would be the catalyst for us to realize we loved each other and wanted to work things out.

I started a business about divorce, Divorce Home Solutions, and am writing this blog, so you can probably tell how that went. 

They say "necessity is the mother of invention,"  so I ended up with a business and in role I never saw coming.  I have learned in life we can either become victims, survivors or thrivers.  A thriver uses their experience to help others who will follow in their path.  Helping divorcing couples at one of the most vulnerable and challenging times in their life has become a fulfilling outcome to an unplanned occurrence.

Divorce Home Solutions was born in my first attorney consultation - the free one that almost all attorneys will give.  Because we were mediating divorce and things were fairly amicable, I hadn't consulted with one until we came to a disagreement about the length of time I could remain in the home.  The attorney basically said if we couldn't agree on what to do with the home, we'd go before a judge who would most likely order us to put it on the market within 60 days.  I looked at her like a deer caught in headlights.  I had NO IDEA that's how it works.  

I owned a company, Silver Linings Transitions specializing in moves for seniors because downsizing for a senior is emotionally and physically overwhelming.  It occurred to me as I realized I might also have to move during a stressful time our services would also help divorcing couples likely downsizing and having to move during an extremely stressful time in their lives.

I asked the attorney if she thought Silver Linings Transitions business model might translate to divorcing couples.  You can probably guess her answer...I contacted my friend, now business partner, Bryan Devore as soon as I walked out of that meeting and together we started Divorce Home Solutions.

Because our model is new in the industry, we've had many professionals in the divorce arena meet and reach out to us as they've understood the benefit of these services for their clients. Divorcing clients, at one of the most vulnerable and stressful times don't always make sound decisions and we provide a reliable service and respite for them.  Our work involves selling homes, dividing belongings, finding new homes and helping people pack and then get them comfortably settled in their new homes.  

As professionals in the San Diego divorce arena have learned about our business, we've learned about theirs. We've been exposed to specialties we never knew existed.  Professionals like  CDFAs (Certified Divorce Financial Analysts), Mortgage Lenders who specialize in divorce and can help structure the MSA, Divorce Coaches who will serve as a filter between you, your ex and and the attorneys to soften the communication and keep things from escalating.  We also started a support group for separated and newly divorced people because we both felt it was an unmet need and we wanted others to learn from each other and from us that while the process is definitely bumpy, there really are good things on the other side.   

So I may have become an accidental divorce "expert".  Having said that, if you need any advice or support, you know here to find me.  Besides, Lucy always was my favorite character.

"I have always believed that Your issues show up in your tissues…and I'm not just talking about the ones in your Kleenex box. Seriously, I'm talking about the ones in your body. I believe that all mental and physical illness has its origin in unresolved emotional issues...usually grief, from some form of loss." - Paula Shaw

As someone who is gone through cancer, is going through divorce and helps people while they deal with major life stressors, I know first hand the havoc stress can play in our lives.  When I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer almost 12 years ago, I was not surprised to learn I had cancer.  I was about as stressed as you could be. 

​One of the gifts of Divorce Home Solutions has been creating a support group to help people the way I would have wanted help when I was first going through the divorce process.  We had the pleasure of hearing Paula Shaw, Author of the book "Grief...When Will This Pain Ever End".  

She spoke to the group about stress, how it manifests in our body and then gave us demonstrations and tools on ways we could combat stress.  

They include:
1.  When faced with stress, ask yourself is the stress and the physical manifestations it may cause in your body worth it?

2. Tap on the bone on the side of the eye for about three minutes.  (See photo above)

3.  Form strong relationships with positive people.  

4.  Walk away when you are angry.  Get outside and move.

5.  When you are sad or depressed, allow yourself to be sad. Think of it like being in a body cast after being hit by and emotional Mack truck.  Would I demand "x" of myself if I was in a body cast?

6.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings.  Don't push them down. Pushing down emotion and not working through it will have the experience manifest somehow in your body.

7.  Meditate, do Tai Chi, Pray

8.  Try breathing and other exercises including:
Square Breathing
Balanced Breathing
​EFT
PEP

You can see demonstrations of several other breathing techniques as well as other demonstrations from her book.

9.  When I had cancer, the therapist I worked with specialized in oncology patients.  She asked me to Identify my "happy place".  I knew I loved to take baths when I was stressed, sad or uncomfortable but I never connected the fact that it was at the place I went to "hide".  Now, my tub has an assortment of books, candles and bubble baths as well as a sign and a plant that have truly carved it out as my "happy place". 

10.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Have friends you can call, join a support group, find and connect with other people who share your interests and seek out resources for anything that overwhelms you or might be an unmet need.

One of my all time favorite poems is Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken."  I remember telling someone a while back that I'd wished I could have lived a simultaneous life.  That of the mother I am and of a single person able to travel and explore new adventures.  The separation process has given me an unexpected "gift."  Which is how I am choosing to "embrace" my new, unplanned role as a single woman in her 40s.  

While I am sad that my marriage failed and that I must share my children with their father, I am grateful for the time I've had alone pushing myself out of my comfort zone exploring new things and challenging myself physically, mentally and spiritually. 

I've read two great books that both speak to The "Phoenix Process",  Elizabeth Lesser's "Broken Open" and "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce" by Abigail Trafford.  Take my advice, read "Crazy Time" before you start dating. It might spare you a bit of heartbreak.  (More about that in another article.) The Phoenix Process is essentially the process of shedding who you once were and reemerging as a better version.

Rules of the Phoenix Process

1. Change is the nature of life, and nothing changes without loss, which is a form of death. 

2. When we turn toward what is changing—when we keep our hearts open and allow ourselves to feel a loss all the way through—we move with more grace into a new, energetic and constructive phase of life.

3. We can transform loss into growth, change into insight and suffering into joy if we turn and face that which frightens us most about ourselves and our changing circumstances. 
Adapted from Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, by Elizabeth Lesser.

In the 20 months since I've separated, I have done 400+ yoga classes, studied Kabbalah, done the Landmark Education Curriculum, rock climbed (I hate heights), joined a single parent meet up, started a second business, lost 10 pounds, hiked areas I've never explored, took up paddle boarding,  had LOTS of coffee dates,  learned about vulnerability and ego, pretty much gave up television and learned to be okay with being "in it."  

Even though I've cried more in the past 20 months than I think I've cried in my entire life, I've also had unbelievable moments of connection with people I would never have met.  I hardly recognize the person I've become and if I'm being honest, that might  be okay.